Support Hose

Why do we find the catastrophe in the smallest events? My husband just realized tonight that we bought and stained the wrong trim to the basement we're refinishing--a $400 mistake. He is furious and dramatic about the whole situation. I say slap on the wrong trim and be done with it--who will know? It is easy for me to sit back and judge him for his oversensitivity to what seems like a minor thing to me, but I know that when my small event becomes a catastrophe it isn't quite as easy.

Take, for example, an instance in college where I lost a paper I had been slaving away at for hours. I did not save it (of course) until the end when my only job was to email it to the professor. I thought I had saved it, but I did not do it correctly. I remember the blood draining from my face and my stomach crashing into my ovaries. The paper was due in 30minutes (which I could have done earlier but will forever be a procrastinator), and now I had nothing to show for it. I recall my husband, Albert, and my very dear friend, Lauren, offering words of comfort. I also recall lashing out towards them in a very harsh tone. Lauren was deeply hurt and Albert was stunned to see such a side of me. I contacted my professor, explained what happened, and he gave me an extension--very simple and easy end to my problem. But my problem was not a lost paper--it was now two potentially severed friendships. Albert and Lauren forgave me, but it was a while before our friendships could be as they were before.

This type of over-reaction is such a poisonous way to deal with adversity. When we can no longer step outside of the situation, but instead escalate it, we find our burnt toast is now a forest fire that we created. And this type of poison affects everyone around us. My husband's now bad mood makes me apathetic towards his distress. This only makes him furious with me, adding to the fire. And now he is sleeping in the guest room (which I don't recommend by the way). And what should I do?

I shall love him. I shall forgive him as he did for me, all those years ago. I shall support him by giving him the space he needs to calm down and realize that its just burnt toast. I shall be the truly selfless wife who commiserates with her husband so he will feel better. When he understands that his hurt is my hurt, we can work towards a calm, rational, positive solution. For now, I will let him feel that the world is ending because I know how that feels. I will leave him alone to work out his frustations so that he doesn't take them out on me. I will do this with the confidence and faith that he would show me the same respect.

My marriage vows are as clear to me today as they were nearly three years ago and I take them very seriously. It's my turn to be the support hose--to lift up all the heaviness, control all the chaos, and make him feel better about himself. In a marriage, every day isn't sunshine and roses. Sometimes its the dirty diaper you find under your couch that you have no idea how it got there. But even in the worst of times, and I truly hope the wrong trim is the worst of times, we must say "yes" to God's call to be a wife, a lover, and a friend.